I want my money back

A friend is in town and last night we decided to see the Da Vinci Code, knowing full well it was going to be pretty terrible. I knew because I've read the book (don't ask me why - I was doing some literary slumming at the time), and the friend (who we'll call monkey boy for reasons better left unspoken) knew because he'd been sensible enough to throw the book away after two chapters.

What we saw, however, wasn't a terrible film, it was absolute and complete utter crap. It was so bad that flew past the "so bad it was good" stage and thundered into the completely new and unchartered territory beyond.

The book, while having no literary merits whatsoever, at least stuck to a semi-coherent whodunit plot line, which Brown, clumsily, hung on some quasi-historical assertions about the nature of the Christian church. Which, while they might be accurate (who knows, certainly not me), are presented in such a ridiculous light through Brown's ham-fisted attempt at authorship.

The movie (I cannot bring myself to call it a film) couldn't even manage this. Important (and I use this word very loosely) plot-drivers were cut wholesale and large chunks of the book (which weren't well written, but gave the reader a slightly more rounded view of the central characters and the events transpiring around them) were left out or dealt with in cursory flashbacks (many of which were never explained and were therefore worse than useless and downright confusing).

Just in case you have had your ears sealed shut for the last few days and think I'm nuts, you'll be happy to know that, for once, I'm in the majority (of critics at least). The film has been universally panned. Rotten Tomatoes has a good round up of reviews here.

If you only take one piece of advice from me make it this. Do not see this film. Ever. Seriously. You'll never get the two and a half hours back and you'll wish you'd spent them doing pretty much anything else imaginable.