A few more wedding photos

My brother and his lovely (now)wife were married over the weekend in Watson's Bay.

It was such a beautiful day. The setting was stunning. The ceremony was moving. The bride and groom looked wonderful and happy. The reception was tons of fun - especially the Jewish dancing that started things off with a bang. Lily had a ball being surrounded by family and stealing the spotlight whenever possible. And we ended the night in a gorgeous "luxury suite" on the harbour. Bliss.

Congratulations Jono & Nat. Thank you for a wonderful day. I hope that you are recovering well.

Clover girl

You'll be happy to know that Lily performed her first ever flower girl role with aplomb.



She was, however, much happier in the clover.

More wedding photos to come, I'd imagine. Congrats Jono and Nat.

Finger painting - a new Tuesday tradition?

Since the weather has been getting nicer outside, I decided that Lily and I needed to do some more messy crafty activities at home. So, last Tuesday I thought that we would try some finger painting. In order to do this I made some 'paint' from a mixture of corn flour, water and food colouring and set it up outside with a fair bit of paper.



Lily loved it. She was able to smear the 'paint' everywhere and the bright colours showed up on the paper without really staining anything else. Next thing I knew, Lily - creative genius that she is - decided that her painting needed to include more textures and set about gathering things from the deck to add to it. I was very impressed with the results and resolved to do this again and to try to provide her with some more 'natural additions' from the beginning.



Well, of course, I completely forgot about it until this morning when Lily started asking for "Painting: finger painting."


OK, I thought, and made her some more paint (my first attempt was rather lumpy because I didn't mix the corn flour with cold water before adding the boiling water - because I I have a bad habit of rushing ahead of instructions). I set it up outside again and gathered a little bowl full of leaves, berries and flowers and stood back.

Life doesn't always turn out how you plan does it?



The next thing I knew Lily had broken into her sandpit and was busily tipping handfuls of sand on to her paper and into the 'paint'. Then she went on her own nature gathering mission and 'collected' dirt and dry leaves from nearby pot plants to add to her mix (smearing paint around the deck as she went). The collage that I had envisaged didn't exactly eventuate, but Lily had fun and that was the whole point really...



I am not sure what I will bring out next Tuesday.

Feminism, motherhood and all that lies in-between

My brain has been consumed lately with the difficulty that I am having in finding an acceptable balance between mothering Lily and completing my PhD (with any degree of sanity left intact). Interestingly, several posts have popped up in the blogosphere on this very topic and they have really spoken to me.

First Loobylu posted on a book that she just finished devouring on this issue: "The Divided Heart" by Rachel Power. The Divided Heart specifically focuses on the challenges of being both a mother and an artist, but I think that the struggle to find balance applies equally to range of other professions. I particularly related to this particular part of Loobylu's post:

[Power] looks at the mythology that surrounds art and (usually male) artists, and she talks about motherhood and domestic life still being feminism’s final frontier [emphasis added]; the fact that our generation has grown up believing that it is possible to do everything (and let me tell you - reading my 80s journal is a blinding testament to that! I was going to be a film making / writer / mother of FIVE according to my 17 year old self) only to discover somewhere along the track - around the time of breastfeeding is the general impression - that despite the best of intentions of all parties, this is not always so easy. Each of the women she talks to have pretty similar struggles - and her point is made so very clearly that it’s a hard thing to be both a passionate mother and a passionate artist.

This issue of how mothering fits into feminism is particularly interesting to me. I thought that one of Loobylu's commenters had a great point:

I have never studied feminism so I don’t know much about it, but the issue I have is how little respect mothering (in fact, parenting) is given by society. How many times have I heard women say they go to work to be respected and to be a good role model for their kids: why is staying at home looking after, and bringing up your children not considered a good role model in our society? My mum was telling me just last night that in Poland when I was born, women were given THREE YEARS of fully-paid maternity leave. And women there were always expected to follow similar career paths as men, so mothering was just allowed to fit in with job/career. While I’m sure it wasn’t as perfect as it sounds (for a start, it was a totalitarian Communist regime!) it sounds pretty good!

This is one of the big things that I have been thinking about lately. I kind of want to say; well feminism is all about creating choice and so the fact that many women do not feel as though they have the choice to stay home with their kids is partly because feminism has not gone far enough - has not succeeded in changing our very patriarchal workplaces enough to make them sufficiently flexible for such a choice to be made...

However, I think, perhaps, this would be a little bit too simplistic. There are some types of feminism and feminists that seem to have identified the home (and, therefore, children) as the site of oppression for women. According to this version of feminism one asserts one's independence and freedom by outsourcing the drudgery of housework and childcare. If they would just bring in a cleaner and make use of childcare, then women, like men, can be high achieving professionals. Well that's fine, but what about those women who actually want to look after their young children on a full-time basis (or even, gasp, do some housework)? Where do they fit into this particular world-view? Sometimes I get the impression that they are essentially seen as letting down the team - as dupes who have fallen for the patriarchal expectation of women and who are letting themselves become martyrs.

It is almost as though there is a limit to how much you are allowed to give to your children - step over that line and you are giving up too much of yourself or somehow setting an unfair standard. Here I am reminded of a post that went up a while ago on Bitch PhD. The author, Sybil Vane, was writing about her concerns about taking her toddler on an airplane and how it had made her think about her bias "against women who breastfeed longer than a year-ish." She explains that she feels this way: "[n]ot because I think it is in some way 'inappropriate' or 'icky' or whatever dumb sh*t people say, but because I am apt to conclude that the woman in question is more self-sacrificing (of her time, her body, her patience) in the name of motherhood than I think is warranted."

Now, to be very fair, Vane acknowledged that this attitude of her was actually a sexist one. She argues that "I would never dream of judging any paternal behavior in a similar way." However, many of her commenters are not so circumspect:

Re: the breastfeeding thing, I tend to get my hackles up around moms who nurse that long mostly because I've met so many who are sanctimonious and downright obnoxious about their epidural-refusing, home-birthing, cloth-diapering, homeopathic-remedy-researching, vaccine-refusing, organic-puree-making, sling-wearing, Montessori-homeschooling, Dr.-Sears-quoting, Bradley-methoding, designer-parenting, career-deferring ways; and that such moms will usually find some way to unsubtly insult my parenting within 30 minutes of meeting them. Is that sexist? I mean, the whole mommy-perfectionism thing is sexist, yes; but is it sexist to feel defensive because I'm afraid my own mommying is going to be trashed? Genuinely asking here.

(Standard disclaimer about I don't think any of those parenting choices are BAD; I just don't appreciate how they've somehow become the markers of moms who have proven they aren't BAD AND SELFISH BY NOT SERVING UP THEIR VERY OWN HEARTS EVERY DAY FOR BREAKFAST!!! After all, you don't HAVE to work, and they're only small for such a short time, and you can never get those years back so why would you even think of having your own identity [emphasis added], etc. blah blah blah bullsh*t.)

[Blue Milk also has a great post on this particular post and discussion.]

With attitudes like these floating around it is, perhaps, unsurprising that not a lot of consideration is put into how we could make the choice to stay home full-time (while still maintaining a strong sense of self-worth, identity, and perhaps even a career to go back to) a viable option. And it is on this very point that another recent blog post really spoke to me. Shannon Breen guest posts on Blue Milk under the title, Reflections on ‘mother work’ by a stay-at-home mother. She writes:

Mother work has been recast into an indulgent luxury. ‘The only women who don’t work are women like you, Shannon, who have rich husbands to support them,’ a well-paid working mother tells me. Her implication is clear. Unlike the Prime Minister’s wife, I have chosen to be an ‘appendage’. [...]

Later, I reflect on her accusation. I do volunteer work, and study part-time. Why do I have to justify looking after my children? In short, my choice not to avail myself of long-day child-care so I can add another (paid) job to my already busy life challenges the orthodoxy; distrust of long-day care is a heresy. Daphne de Marneffe writes in her 2005 book, Maternal Desire: On Children, Love, and the Inner Life, ‘In the current climate, one reflexive reply to (a mother’s) emotional concerns is that they are the luxury of the few; for most, economic realities preclude such subtle objections.’ De Marneffe argues women’s feelings of unease about leaving their young children are not considered ‘reality’, and concludes, ‘…one sometimes gets the sense that economic reality is invoked to shut us up.’

Certainly it does seem that economics and capitalism (for want of a better word) is part of the issue here. The dual-income family is such a norm these days - such a necessity almost - that it is simply unthinkable to ask for society to be flexible enough to allow one person to step out of the workforce for years on end. However, surely this is a choice that we have made and, therefore, surely this is a choice that we can question. What is the cost of being a dual-income family with young children? What do you miss out on by having to go back to work when your every instinct is telling you to stay with your baby and nurture them? Perhaps more to the point: what does your baby miss out on?

The real difficulty that I see is that somehow asking these questions seems to immediately cast you as being an anti-feminist conservative who wants to turn back the clock and 'put women in their place'. But why is it that it is children whose needs have had to be compromised in order for feminism to eek out a little bit of progress for women? Are they just easy targets? Is it simply because it is so much harder to change the rest of the world?

Perhaps it was thought that in an ideal (feminist) world we would have a society that was truly supportive of mothers (of all parents, in fact) - one in which workplaces were far more flexible places; work hours were far more reasonable; living costs were far more affordable on a single income (or two part-time incomes); child-rearing far more respected; children far more welcome in public places (including places of work); etc. but that since that wasn't going to happen any time soon the easiest way to achieve equality was to make childcare accessible and affordable (though that certainly hasn't happened anyway). The other goals were simply set aside as being too hard, too idealist... (Or maybe they were never on the agenda? I don't really know.)

Breen deals with this issue well:

There’s no doubt the early second-wave feminists claimed the family was a potential source of oppression, and that women had a right to equality in the workplace. They’re still right on both counts. If they made a mistake, it was in underestimating the joy, satisfaction and (to use a 70s phrase) ‘self-actualisation’ many women achieve through mothering. Today, the fight for equality in the workplace has overshadowed the right to ‘choose’ mother work. But they needn’t be mutually exclusive. Melbourne academic Marty Grace argues for a ‘third wave’ feminist movement to ‘recognise that caring for children is valuable, not only because it is precious, important and worth doing, but because it takes up time.’

I think that it is true that there certainly is a stream of feminism - let's call it 'third wave' - that is actually taking on the challenge of fighting for 'the ideal'. It is certainly this wave of feminism that I most relate to - although I must admit to a real lack of understanding as to its dimensions before I became a mother myself. I knew that I would find the task of balancing motherhood and paid work (or 'public' work) difficult. I also knew that I wanted society to value and support the work of mothering far more than I thought that it did. However, I also thought that I would be happy to put Lily into childcare (part-time) at the age of 6 months in order to get on and finish my PhD. I thought that I would need to "do something for myself" away from her for significant amounts of time in order to feel like a balanced person. It was in this that I was quite mistaken. As Breen puts it, I underestimated the joy, satisfaction and ‘self-actualisation’ that I could achieve through mothering.

That has been the real eye-opener for me. I really didn't expect to find mothering so satisfying all by itself. Yes, it can be unrelenting and utterly exhausting. Yes, it can be isolating and even tedious at times. However, it is not my time with Lily that I really resent - it is the time that I am forced to spend away from her.

Actually, that isn't a completely honest picture. Certainly it is useful to take a little time to 'recharge the batteries' so to speak. An occasional coffee with a friend (uninterrupted by requests for a 'feed' or a story), a yoga class (yet to be achieved, but certainly on the agenda), a couple of hours teaching at university, a quick blog post, even a bit of my PhD. But all of these things I can do while I know that Lily is napping, or happily in the care of her father or another close family member, and within a time period that doesn't compromise our connection or our breastfeeding relationship. For me, anything else would not be pleasurable.

Of course, I don't wish to question the right of other mothers (other parents, in fact) to find a different balance that works for them. For some that does include childcare. For some it may include full-time work. What I am challenging is the idea that the option to look after my child full-time is some sort of cop out - that somehow I am being both self-indulgent and a martyr who is letting down the feminist cause on all fronts.

I am reminded of a friend of mine who chose to go back to work one day a week when her son was around 12 months old and found herself accused of being lazy. She didn't want to work more than one day a week because she wanted to spend the time with her son who she could see was growing up incredibly fast. She also didn't want to put him in childcare and one day a week was a reasonable amount of time for her husband to be home to look after him (given his current position, etc.). She certainly wasn't doing it because she was lazy. She openly admits that she looks forward to her two half work days because work is so much easier than looking after her son all day. Full-time mothering is bloody hard work. However, to many people working only one day a week wasn't a valid choice. Instead they saw her as being lazy. Surely there is something really wrong with that.

Coppi

I'm worried that we're setting a bad example for our beautiful L.  She has recently taken a rather   strong interest in our hot drinks.  They all used to be "tea", but lately she has started distinguishing between "tea" and "coppi" [coffee].  

This morning in the midst of the kitchen-breakfast-hubbub L. asked C. for a cuddle.  As soon as she was elevated enough to see the top of the kitchen bench she reached out for C's, still empty, coffee glass and said:

"Coppi. I need it".

Oops.

Learning to sew

For quite some time I have been wanting to learn to sew (about 12 years, I'd say). I used to circle the 'learn to sew' courses at tech colleges etc. but I never actually enrolled.

Then a family member kindly offered to teach me how to sew. She took me to Lincraft where we purchased some fabric and a skirt pattern (then insisted on paying!) and then patiently walked me through the process of sewing a skirt from a pattern. Well the skirt was great; I wore it all winter, but I still didn't feel as though I knew how to sew and I wasn't sure how to get the practice and instruction that I felt that I needed.

Finally the Christmas before last I requested a sewing machine as a present from my parents (it was also for my birthday since they are not cheap) and then I let it sit there intimidating me for a while. After a while I decided that I better make some use out of it and I sewed something very practical and simple for the house. It seemed to work just fine and so I felt a little more confident, but I still felt as though I needed more instruction. However, I didn't really have time to go out and get instruction (since Lily was very little at this point) and so I did nothing for while.

Then my sister-in-law gave Lily a gorgeous doll for Christmas. She got the pattern from One Red Robin and after a while of looking at the doll I decided that perhaps I would give it a try. So, I downloaded the pattern, purchased some fabric and thread, and I set about following the instructions as though I was cooking from a recipe book. To my absolute shock it worked. It wasn't perfect by any means, but it actually worked.




Well, this was pretty exciting actually and so I downloaded another doll pattern (this time from Inside a Black Apple) and went through the same process. Once again it worked. Hurray! [Yeah, I know it needs a face. The instructions say to paint it on which completely terrified me and so I left it blank. I did start sewing on one in felt the other day though and now she looks a tiny little bit like Jemima from Playschool - 'cause Lily was asking to cuddle Jemima.]




Around this time I borrowed the wonderful Softies book from my sister-in-law and with my new found confidence proceeded to make "Boo boo" and "Dar". Lily loved them and I started to get really into this sewing gig. It was really dawning on me that I really didn't need to wait until I had the time to enrol in a course. Of course there are plenty of tricky skills that would be great to learn about sewing, but the basics, it seems, can just be learned 'on the job' - by doing. It is sort of like cooking. You just have to make sure that you have all the right materials (ingredients) on hand and then you need to follow the instructions carefully - the rest will follow.

My most recent project (with the exception of Lily's Steiner baby) was a dress for Lily. This was a great beginner's project because the pattern was printed directly on the fabric. Once again my lovely sister-in-law was the instigator of this one - she bought it for me from here for my birthday (and then gave it to me ridiculously early!). The has been my favourite sewing project so far. Not only does it really suit Lily, but she absolutely loves it and asks to "Pu-on" (put it on) every time she sees it.

The heart just melts

P is taking Lily out for the afternoon so that I can get some more of my PhD done. As they left Lily blew me a kiss and said "I love you. Bye bye."

Munchkin!

Wordless Wednesday - Sunday in the park

A day in the life of

Half Pint Pixie proposed a blog carnival for Monday 25 August - a day in your life. Here is my post for the carnival. It's a little late (and little bit too long), but hopefully you'll understand why when you read it.

4:40am P brings Lily into the spare room where I am sleeping because she is ready for a feed. Last night this was at midnight so 4:40 is pretty good. After a few feeds she climbs up on my chest and goes back to sleep.

7:30am Lily wakes up, has a quick feed and then sits up saying "Papa, cuddle." We go and find P in the bathroom where he is finishing a shave. He overslept and is running late for work.

I jump in the shower while P gets Lily dressed. When I get out Lily comes running into the room asking for a cuddle. Her jeans are almost falling off because she is wearing a disposable nappy (required by childcare). I give her a cuddle then pop her on to the couch in the study while I get dressed.

We go out into the kitchen where P is making porridge and coffee. I run around trying to locate the childcare enrolment form and Lily's immunisation records. (Note to self: must do some filing). I pack her bag with the lunch that I prepared last night (soba noodles, tempeh & broccoli; half a banana; a mandarin; some corn thins and a container of dried fruit).

Lily doesn't want any breakfast of her own, but happily eats from our bowls. She asks to watch Playschool and watches it while sitting on P's lap.

8:45am We all pile into the car and drive into town. I remind Lily that she is going to "school" and that I will be going away and then coming back. "Yes" she says. "Cuddle." Oh dear.

P and I are both feeling sick in the stomach about taking our baby to childcare. We discuss other options (again) and I contemplate quitting my PhD (again). We agree to see how it goes.

9:05am I sign Lily into care and take her into the "mini-toddlers" room. She trots off to play with some toys and I am not sure whether to stay or go. I ask the carers to call me immediately if she gets distressed. After a while I tell her that I am going to leave and say bye bye. "See you soon," she says, and keeps playing. I leave bemused.

9:25am I hang around reception trying to lodge our paperwork and then realise that I have left my wallet in the car when I go to pay. I leave my laptop and mobile at the front desk and go to get my wallet.

9:40am The phone is in use and so they cannot process my credit card. I try to decide whether to stay or leave. The receptionist offers to go and check on Lily. I accept, relieved. She returns to say that she is quite upset and so I go straight in.

9:45am Lily is crying and cuddling me. She wants a feed so we sit down on a couch and have one. Afterwards we go to sit down with the other children who are eating morning tea. Lily wraps herself around me and snuggles into me. The little girl sitting next to us, K, says to me "I want my mummy." My heart breaks.

10:00am A little boy opposite us is being forced to finish his food. Obviously it distresses him and I feel glad that I have told them (verbally and in writing) never to force Lily to eat. I worry that this might not be enough though...

10:20am Morning tea is over and the children are playing with toy cars. The childcare workers take advantage of my presence to get some jobs done. I feel uncomfortable disciplining the kids, but have to step in a few times when they hit each other or snatch toys. Lily is happy again now and playing with a doll (her 'baby').

10:45am The children are all taken outside to play. Lily takes off to the far end of the play area and I wonder if she would even notice if I wasn't there. Not long afterwards I see that she is visually checking to make sure that I am still around.

11:00am Lily has gotten so involved in her play that she forgets where I am sitting and wanders inside to find me. She gets upset when she is gently redirected outside and so I go to her. She wants to feed again and so we go inside. K sees us leaving and wants to come too. Poor kid.

11:10am Lily is starting to fall asleep while feeding and so I ask her if she would like to go home. She sits up and decides that she would like to play outside again. We go out and K comes running over to me in tears. I put Lily down to play and pick up K. She sits on my lap while Lily plays in the sandpit.

11:30am It is lunchtime and the kids are brought inside to wash their hands. Lily wants to feed again and so I decide to take her home. We gather our things and head to the car. On the way out I check my mobile. I have missed three calls from P (worried about Lily) and have two text messages from people in my mother's group wanting to catch up in the afternoon.

11:50am Lily is starting to fall asleep while feeding in the car and so I ask her if she would like to sit in her chair and go home. She sits up and asks for a "bissie". On the way home she eats her cracker and yawns, but doesn't fall asleep.

12:05pm Lily and I eat our lunch. I wonder when she will go to sleep. I get another text from someone else in mother's group about this afternoon. Monday is a long day for all of us.

12:30pm Lily wants to play outside and so we open up the sandpit. She pours me "cups-a-teas" and I "drink" them. Then she wants to draw with the pavement chalk and so we get some out. We add to P's street-scape from the day before and I draw a dodgey butterfly.

1:10pm We go back inside and I take the opportunity to grab a muffin and a chai. I have another text from another person in mother's group wanting to know how Lily went in childcare and to let me know of still more plans for the afternoon. Lily and I read some books and play with her wooden animals.

1:30pm Lily wants to feed and gradually falls asleep. I put her down in her hammock and sit down to attend to some emails and start this post.

2:05pm Lily stirs. I am worried that she is overtired and won't have a proper sleep, but she resettles quickly when I go in to bounce her hammock.

2:20pm I get a few text messages about the afternoon. No-one seems to have a concrete plan.

2:25pm Lily wakes up again. She is clearly tired, but seems to be wide awake. She asks me to swing her in the hammock and sings and chats to me as I do. The phone rings and the planning for an afternoon activity begins in earnest. I bounce Lily in her hammock while I chat to a couple of people on the phone. I offer our house for a play-meet.

2:40pm Lily has fallen back to sleep!

2:45pm I get a text message "Cristy's place a 3pm". Oops. I run around the house straightening things up.

3:00pm S and J arrive to play. J is not impressed that Lily is asleep and wanders around looking a little bored. S and I talk about childcare. She pulled J out of childcare early this year because she didn't like it. I am realising that I should have just cancelled our booking for tomorrow.

3:15pm I make some tea and put out some food. J amuses himself in the sandpit while S and I chat. I am feeling bad that he has no-one to play with.

3:40pm M and B arrive. J is happy to have someone to play with and I relax a little. I can't believe that Lily is still asleep!

4:00pm Lily wakes up. She feels a little warm to me, but it was warm in the bedroom so I don't think much of it. She is very excited to see J and B.

5:00pm M and B go home. Lily and J continue to play together. They get along incredibly well.

5:15pm I give Lily and J some cauliflower and potato soup for dinner. Lily is very keen, but J wanders off and so she follows. Lily and J shut themselves in her bedroom and we can hear shrieks of laughter from inside. They close the door on us whenever we try to check on them and so we chock it open with a cloth.

5:30pm S and J head home. Lily and I go into the loungeroom to read some books.

5:45pm Lily wants to watch Playschool so I put it on, but then she decides to feed instead.

6:00pm P comes home from work. Lily gets her papa-snuggles and I heat up some soup for us.

6:35pm We are finishing dinner and ask Lily if she would like a bath. "No: Feed," she says. I am a little worried about the frequent feeding. I wonder if she might be getting sick.

7:00pm Lily starts to fall asleep. P changes her nappy while she feeds and we take her temperature because she still feels a little warm. It is a little high - 37.5 C.

7:30pm I put Lily in her hammock and try to finish this post.

7:50pm Lily wakes up quite upset. She is burning up. We try to give her some panadol but she doesn't want it. "Lie down," she says. She tries to feed, but gags and then climbs up on my chest and falls asleep with her arms wrapped around my neck. I guess I have just gone to bed.

10:00pm I wake up boiling hot. I have to take off the quilt as Lily is so hot that neither of us need it. She stirs a little and asks for Papa cuddles.

11:00pm Lily wakes up and tries to feed but gags again so she asks for Papa, Grandma and Grandpa snuggles. I tell her that they are sleeping and she repeats it to herself, "Papa, sleeping. Grandpa, sleeping. Grandma, sleeping." Then she says "Hurting." I ask her where but she just replies "Papa." Then she says "Papa, hurting. Papa, fall down. Grandpa, hurting. Grandpa, fall down. etc..." Poor little thing.

12:00am Lily wakes up and feeds. She then climbs up on my chest to sleep and vomits all over my pillow and down my back. I go to get P. It is going to be a long night.

Postscript: After a night of no sleep for any of us I called the childcare centre to cancel this morning's booking. As I had already paid they told me that the money would be 'credited to my account' and that I wouldn't have to pay next time I brought Lily in for care. I decided not to tell them that there is unlikely to ever be a 'next time'.

Boo boo and Dar

I'd like to introduce you to "Boo boo" and "Dar". They are both softies that I made during the last couple of months from the fabulous "Softies" book.



"Boo boo" is called "Albert Monkey" in the book, but Lily named him before I'd even finished his head. In fact, he took a while to finish because she kept stealing the head and carrying it around with her. It was an odd sight...



"Dar" is called "Cosmonaut Devil" in the book and I actually made him for P for his birthday, but Lily adopted him and he didn't have the heart to take him off her. For some reason everyone seems to think that he is a Telletubbie...