I have long believed that a happy partnership means that both partners have to contribute fairly equally to the household and that no one should be left with the worst job of all: monitoring the other's contribution.
To make this possible I think a fairly clear division of labour can help to reduce the amount of boring negotiations over household chores.
This is roughly how we have come to divide ours (for now, obviously things will change as kids grow etc):
Me:
Meal planning
Cooking & food prep
Food shopping
Gift planning & buying
Daytime clean up (including dishes - although he often does breakfast ones before work)
Schedules (ours & kids)
Breastfeeding
Charlie nighttime parenting
Weekday at home parenting work
Him:
Evening clean up (including dishes)
Paid work
Bill paying
Banking
Mail sorting, dealing with contents
Lily nighttime parenting, including story & bedtime
Driving (when we're together)
IT troubleshooting
Both:
Gardening
Constant tidying
Holiday planning & booking
Parenting
Bathroom cleaning
Laundry (but he does far more than me)
Household shopping
Farmers market shopping
Of course sometimes he cooks or shops for food, and sometimes I clean up in the evening or do the banking, but this is the general pattern.
Do you have a pattern at your place or do you tend to alternate more?
8 comments:
We do most things together or alternate in an informal pattern, but there are some exceptions to do with strengths and preferences. (We're both in paid full time work)
I do:
Meal planning & cooking
Food & household shopping (Gav's usually there, but is more of a packhorse and a helper than an actual doer)
Clean bathroom
Holiday planning
General administrivia
Gav does:
Dishes/kitchen cleaning post dinner
Floor cleaning (I just can't vacuum, I was made to do it as a kid and it just makes me stabby)
Bill paying
Anything to do with the car
I will say that Gav tends to do much more of the general tidying - I'm not a "dirty" person but left to my own devices I tend to let things get messy and don't put things away like I should. And he's a neat freak. Still, we haven't killed each other in 11 years thus far...
We once filled in forms, separately, about who did which task. We basically agreed in our perception - we share most tasks, with regular fluctuations in our paid work there come shifts in who does the bulk of the parenting and evening meal preparation. The upside is that neither of us feels we're stuck with the boring grunt work of getting through the day, the downside is that there's regular re-negotiation.
We fall into patterns really easily. For a while, ours looked like yours (minus the parenting stuff). I cooked, Andy cleaned up at night, and we shared big clean-up tasks. Now Andy cooks, and I tend to wash up after dinner, since I seem to work later than Andy and be tireder at the end of the day. Will be interesting to see what happens if (when?) Andy gets a job...
This is a hard one for me, because I think we should share duties because that's what men and women in partnerships do, but I don't work, so I feel as though I need to 'pull my weight' in contributing to the household. If I'm busy with a project (eg running a dance event or have a DJ gig coming up or have dance work on), then I don't feel guilty about not doing 'my share'.
This is really a very fraught issue for me, because I'm also trying _not_ to do too much, because of the way that plugs into my OCD issues. At this point, everything is kind of confused and triggery.
I do:
- meal planning and shopping (which is daily, pretty much)
- laundry sorting, putting in the machine and hanging out and folding and putting away
- general tidying and putting away
- declare it 'house tidying day' (and I also end up hounding him about doing his share of the cleaning and doing cleaning properly - I know, I know, that's dumb, but, well, that's how we roll)
- manages grocery budget (ie planning it, then making lists and menus to suit it)
- outside cleaning (sweeping and cleaning and weeding balcony area)
He:
- occasionally hangs out laundry (has to be asked, though he's cheerful about it)
- does all the washing up and tidies the kitchen in the evenings
- pays big bills online
- takes out rubbish (though I do this one now and then)
We share:
- cooking (he's doing slightly more atm)
- big cleaning (which we don't do often enough), though I do a bit more cleaning because I vacume more often.
I love the specific lists! I've been meaning to draw up one of these in awhile mostly to satisfy myself our arrangement is fair ( as I logically believe it is but sometimes FEEL is not). I'm gonna go away and do that and pop back!
Ours kind of evolved rather than being established through clear negotiation. When Charlie gets bigger and needs less from me I imagine that we will renegotiate what we do somewhat...
I'm back...
Our situation has changed somewhat as I got made redundant in November and so have been at home full-time with the kids since then (looking for work currently).
Before that while we both worked full-time ours was something like this:
Me:
most of the cooking
supermarket shopping
school lunches
after-school-care pickup 2 days
help with homework
bathtime
laundry
change sheets on all beds
tidy kids' rooms
clean bathroom
feed dog and cat, change kitty litter, walk dog
rose-pruning, weeding (infrequent)
admin, bill paying, school notices etc
kids' stuff planning and shopping - clothes, books, presents etc
weekends: usually on my own with the kids
Husband:
get kids breakfast & ready every school day
school drop-off every day
school pick-up 3 days
dishes & kitchen clean-up
cook dinner 1-2 nights a week
fruit and veg (market) shopping
vacuum and mop
tidy loungeroom
hedge-trimming and lawn-mowing
light maintenance jobs
put rubbish out, bring bins in
collect mail from letterbox (!)
Now with me not working I am doing more and he a bit less, but he still does the same stuff he did in the evenings.
Love this post - much written on division of labour but have never seen itemised lists before.
Thanks Jackie K. It's interesting seeing everyone's lists.
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