But that's not the worst of it. I had to take a couple of very small and innocuous looking pills last night, which, at about 5 this morning brought on hideous cramps and a rather hasty run to the bathroom. No need for details, but I'm sure you can imagine. I'm feeling better now, but have that "on the verge of soiling my pants at any minute" feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not the most pleasant way to spend a day.
But even that's not the worst of it. The worst of it is that I'm not allowed to eat anything after last night's dinner till after the surgery (which should be done by mid-afternoon tomorrow)! Have I ever mentioned that I love food?
I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I'm allowed to have "clear" liquids today. The definition of which is anything I can see through. I feel like rummaging through the kitchen, pouring things into glasses, holding them up to the light and peering into them. But I won't. I'll stick to water and the occasional vegetable soup (strained, of course).
It's a little torturous, but I'm a 3rd of the way through and figure I'll be okay.
Actually, come to think of it, that might not even be the worst worst of it.
The worst worst bit is called Colonlytely Original. I'm meant to dissolve 2 sachets into 2 litres of water and drink it later this afternoon - 250ml every 15 minutes. The packet has this vivid description of what's in store for me:
Chill to taste, the made up solution in the refrigerator.Great, I'm supposed to trust my precious bowels to people with grammar this bad!
Gradually drink a cupful every 15 minutes. This is equivalent to ONE litre during an hour.Right, well thanks for the math lesson, now back to the bowels.
If you feel nausea or fullness, SLOW DOWN and take longer to drink the required amount completely.I'm not even sure what this means.
Bowel motions may begin after drinking the first litre.How ominous is that! It sounds like my nasty bowels are only being held in check by rules and regulations and as soon as I down that first litre (in 1 hour, or possibly longer if I feel like throwing it back up) they will let loose their fury - "and lo, the house shook with the thunder of his bowels..."
Oh boy, it's going to be a hell of an afternoon.